The Inner Sanctum

John Mayer floats out of my speakers
his music mingles with the scent of the lavender plant on my desk.
I search for sleep, for peace and find it not.
Smoke curls in the air
forming words I cannot read.
It is quiet outside my window
but inside
inside here, it is so loud.
My mind is racing, cutting a way through the stormy sea of my mind.
I see each wave crest and break upon the bow of my small ship.
Each one tries to overturn and sink this vessel of mine.
I open the door and there she is, my Muse.
She is stunning and simply enchanting.
She lay there, asleep. The moon shining on her face.
I sit there and wistfully watch her sleep.
How I long to take her in my arms and go on an adventure.
I recall the many journeys we have gone on together and I know
I know there will be many more.
She waits for the right one for us.
She has never steered me wrong.
She may be unruly and temperamental at times, but find me a woman who isn't.
I leave her be for the time and return to my inner sanctum.
To my vast collection of books. My desk with papers and ink spots.
My smoking jacket with a burn mark in the sleeve and my big leather chair.
The dark paneled walls filled with books.
This place has seen joy,
sadness,
grief,
brokenness,
tears abundant,
anger,
hurt,
pain,
pleasure,
love,
lies,
loneliness,
fear,
terror,
horror,
bliss,
 and
faith.

Best man, never the Groom

Sit here, sit there.
"I only need one diamond and a long string of pearls"
My diamond is my career.
My string of pearls is my family and friends.
This tune wraps me up and restores me to who I am.
It puts a smile on my face and lets me know how valuable I am.
I have everything I need, right here. Right now.
My life is good and getting better by the minute.
Tonight I realized how wonderful this time is.

People never cease to surprise me.
You'd think I would get used to it but I haven't yet.
I kinda think that's a good thing. ha. whatever.
oh well.
You can only do what you can for you.
Get right with yourself and do you.
That's what I'm gonna do.
I'm gonna get up tomorrow and put on a smile and do me.
I am happy.
I just realized that I don't need someone to be happy.
As long as I have my close friends and my family and my work; I'll be perfectly, incandescently happy.
That's all I need.

Life on Fire

Life is simple, or so we are told.
Lead like sheep to slaughter, we are made to believe that life is black and white.
Life is complex. It is a multiplex of color that spans the entire spectrum.
The leaves outside turn from green to yellow to orange to red.
Summer has gone up in flames.
The leaves on the ground flutter in the wind like the pages of a discarded book.
They lay in piles on the brown earth looking like pools of gold flame in the afternoon light.
The wind showers fiery color down on you as you walk.
No yellow brick road but a path of flame and righteousness.

Black Coffee

Two cups of coffee this late at night. Its 12:15, man this cant be good.

I have always been told to follow my dreams, but I have realized that in the processes of following my dreams. . .I dont know what they are.

Perhaps one day I'll write a book or possibly teach and inspire others.

All around us we are bombarded with things like "Be the change you want to see in the world".

We comprehend these things, but do we really know what they truly mean?

I dont think we do.

We skate on through life. Doing things mechanically. Without thinking. We need to grab life, wrestle it down, and make it our own. Forget what our parents say, what society says. Forget the preconceived notions of our family and what they think we should be and do. Be your own person. Be who you were meant to be.

I am here to do what is best for me. Ah, now what is best for me? You will see one day. One day you will know me. This frustrated, 21 year old, college student will be no more. In her place will be a woman who had stepped up to the plate and beat the odds. A woman who is everything SHE thought and said she would be. Not in accordance with what her parents and family and friends thought and said. But she lives her life according to her dreams and aspirations.

Inside this precocious, sweet and charming girl is someone who is ferocious and cut throat. She will stop at nothing to get what she wants. (one cup down, one to go) I am constantly underestimated because I am a sweet, nice girl. I hate that. but maybe I can use that to my advantage. Who knows, guess yall will have to wait and see.

(ooooo caffeine buzz)

Ya know, maybe i'll be a writer. Its almost an entirely romantic thought. its smoking jackets, and fountain pens with leather bound books and coffee stains. :) It makes me happy to think of myself like that. The struggling artist. Man is that romantic, in a falling in love in a small town in the fall and cuddling by the fire with a good movie or book, sort of way.

As I smile to myself, I realize that I have all these dreams and aspirations and I am so happy that they have not all be squashed out of me. I have so much fire and so much passion and I just want to share that with someone. Whether it be my soul mate or who ever! I just want to share the passion I feel for all these things with someone or a group of people. If it werent for this group of 5 people that I constantly turn to, I'd have lost my mind ages ago. So thank you, Nick, Rachel, Nathan, Josh and Chris. You are my best friends and you believe in me. You have been there for me and you have all believed in me. Some of you, I have literally cried on your shoulders. So thank you.

Assassin

"Guard your heart"

Aye, it does see simple enough. But we all know what seems easy is harder than it seems. Seems. 

You go through life trying to figure out how it is you are supposed to guard you heart. For me, the learning of this came at a great cost. Broken heart after broken heart. Beaten and bruised I always came back. Its just the kind of person that I am. Some would say that once is enough, but not for me I guess. It took four years of bad mistakes and being let down more times than I can count, for me to get it. 

Now, when someone says "guard your heart", I know exactly what they mean and what to do. I am not not letting myself care about people in my life. Its the level that I care about them that I am careful about. Personally I think I'm doing a good job so far. So far. That is such a fleeting statement. So far. ha. I would scoff at it normally, but not this time. The true test of how good I am at guarding my heart will come one day. I have a feeling that day may be coming sooner than I would have thought. Don't ask what I mean by that. Don't question. Just, don't.

John Mayer has a great line in one of his songs that pertains greatly to my life right now. "Half of my heart's got a grip on the situation, half of my heart takes time"

Things are so wishy washy right now that one moment I think things are going great in one direction. . . next thing I know the rug has been pulled out from under me and things are going the opposite direction. I am becoming a patient person. Usually when things get this far I ask straight out and up front questions. Usually being the operative word. Right now I just don't know what to do. Do I keep things going the way they are or do I slam on the breaks like I desperately want to and ask? That is the crossroads I am faced with right now. 

I know what I want to do. . . . . but I'm scared of the answer. . . . .

I am Unforgettable

There is a differnce between "Never look back" and "Never look back with regret"

Life has a strange way of picking you up and dusting you off when you least expect it too

Lately Ive been living in the rubble of a so called life, in fact I have not been living at all

Taking a moment to listen to that small voice in your head when you are wading through the mud and the muck is such a great thing to do. 

Just do it. 

Go.

Be reborn again through the laughter of your friends and talking on the phone for two hours at 1:15 in the morning. 

Be reborn.

Be you.

Be washed of all your dispair and heart break and loss.

Be washed in the love and tenderness of friendship, brotherhood and sisterhood. 

Shed all the gloominess and the worry

Get that grey cloud out from over your head and live your live the way it was meant to be lived, alive

Go out and bring someones whole world to a stop. 

Be real. 

Be you. 

Be unforgettable. 

I feel that the hurt and pain are the mechanism by which I have been washed clean and reborn. 

It is only through pain that we find who we are, what we are made of and if we will truly rise above and grow. 

I 

have

Colors of the wind

some stand some fall

this warm wind caresses my face 

its colors are orange and yellow

walking around I see all of our faces

a blur of loss, confusion, overwhelment, passion, 

excitement, fear, stress, sadness, joy, anxiety. . . 

we are not so different you and I 

differnt places in our lives, yes 

but not so different you and I

the sky blazes purple and pink

with the setting of the sun 

as the wind begins to change color

from a green to a blue

then to a purple and pink 

as the sun begins to rise

The Fortress

Sit up here above the city

Watch the lights come on as the 

Sun sets.

Eachone, a candle in the night

Burning bright for loves sake

The breeze blows my hair and

Thoughts of you around my head. 

What are we doing?

I dont want to be the girl who 

Needs answers and definiton but

I need them now. 

The mountains behind me are the 

Walls ive thrown up to protect

Myself. I hide behind them

Because it is safe here

I am tired of being safe but I am

Tired of being hurt. 

Stuck at a cross roads

We are at an impass

The lights burn brighter and flicker

Against the blackness

A lone tear escapes

My heart hurts as it pounds 

Against these walls

Crying to be let out

I muffle its cries and push it 

deeper in its box

"its for your own good" I say

Some say I am cold, I believe I am 

just guarded.

I long to be held but if it comes

at the cost of a broken heart, 

That is much too high a cost.

I am scared.

Scared of broken hearts and pain. 

Scared of love and loss. 

Scared of how I feel about you. 

Id rather never tell you than tell

you and have my heart broken.

so I will sit there, laugh and smile 

because nothing is wrong anymore

It is all simply 

gone.

Just give me some time

The sky outside is so grey its almost black

I will sit in my room curl up in bed in one of your shirts that still smell like you

I'll hide away from the world today. Reality is just too much right now

Every nerve ending is bare to the world

Everything hurts more and feels better at the same time.

Rubbed raw and open to the world

The weight on my chest makes it hard to breathe 

Thank goodness the weight that was on my shoulders is now gone.

I want to hide away from it all, if only for a little while I need to escape.

I will meet the world head on, shoulders square. . . 

Just not right now, I need a few hours.

There are no thoughts running wild through my head

Its quiet, eerily so

I just need some time, to get myself back together

Just give me some time

And I'll be alright 

And Suddenly We're Grown-Ups

Its one of those moments where you wake up and realize you have to make all these decisions about life and your future. Suddenly you have responsibility and you are on the cusp of your future, where the decisions you make will affect how everything for the next few years turns out. Suddenly, you want things for yourself but you are unsure if you can make those dreams a reality. You want love and commitment and a good career. You want them and you want them now. They are all within your grasp but you are terrified to lay it all on the line. Terrified of getting your heart broken for the thousandth time. Terrified of giving it your all and falling short in your career. But what happens if you don't go for it, put it all on the line and give it your best shot? You never really live. Life is pain and love and failure and success. Right now, its about bucking up the courage to say what I need to and do what I need to. No longer being afraid of failure. I have nothing to lose by taking a chance.

You lock it all away, shut it down. Hide from the pain of it all. Become indifferent to everything. 

You feel like you have to choose between love and the career of your dreams. For the longest time I have felt this. Part of me still does. I think I really could be ok with not having love as long as I got to do the things that I love. Granted it hurts when I see happy couples walk by hand in hand and crazy for each other. But given enough time, that would all fade. But as I continue to grow I realize that I can have both. The essential piece of the puzzle that I have finally found, is that I cant force it and that the timing has to be right. 

:)

Second Guesses and Sitting on the Side Lines

Discouragement runs vampant through the air

Just another poison filling the airDesperately searching for something, anythingBut I hold all the answers I need

Helpless to help those who I know need it, but won't let meWhat do I do?Stay strong and steady, as a rock in their storm

Be vigilant and watchful, ever ready

But I am tired. Is someone there?Is someone going to be my rock in the storm?Is someone going to hold me as I lose my mind

over something stupid and cry about the unimportant things?

Or, will I have to do this on my own as I have in the past?

Will there ever be someone who knows that I need them, without me having to say?Will I always frighten and unnerve those I care about by telling them how I feel about them?Will I always question myself and second guess? 

Charming Murderess

“Go Derrick!” Solaris hissed as she pushed him away.

The heavy footsteps in the hall were getting closer.

“But,”

“Go!” she said hurriedly.

“I,”

With a snap of her fingers, Solaris transported Derrick back to the mortal realm. “Solaris!” cried Citrus bursting through Solaris’ bedroom door.

“I didn’t do it!”

“Oh shut up. I know you didn’t. There is someone here for you!” Citrus said excitedly. “Who?”

“It’s Demitri!”

“Ugg! Why won’t he just go away?”

“Isn't it obvious?” Citrus said as she sat on the floor. “He’s in love with you.”

“Oh please.” Solaris replied rolling her eyes.

“I wish he had a brother.”Citrus said absent mindedly.

Solaris just shook her head and thought, “Typical Citrus.”

“Go talk to him Solaris.”

“No.” Citrus stood up and grabbed Solaris by the arm. “You are going to see him and that is final!” Solaris was unwillingly drug down stairs and pushed out the front door.

There he stood. His jet black hair falling gently into his ice blue eyes, his black clothes stood out against the colorful background that was Carmela. Solaris wanted to run her fingers through his hair, kiss his lips, and see what great expanse of marble white skin his dark clothes covered. But at the same time she hated every inch of him.

“Hello Solaris.” He said gently.

 “Demitri.” She replied coldly, folding her arms across her chest.

“How are you?” he asked.

“What do you want?”

Holding his hands out, palms up, he replied, “May I not come to visit you simply because I want to?” Solaris fixed him with a cold stare.

 “I know you Demitri. You never do anything just because; you always have an ulterior motive.”

And indeed he did.

From the moment they met, some seven years prior, he had been enraptured with her. He stood there, leaning against the porch, drinking her in. Her long sun colored hair just catching the light, the spark in her vibrant yellow green eyes daring him to come closer. He longed to take her in his arms, to feel the fine roughness of her jade sundress and the softness of her skin beneath his fingers. She hated him and he knew that, so he would settle with just looking at her, for now.   

“You are right.” He said. “I have come to ask you if you would do me the honor of dining with me this evening?”

 Solaris flushed. Struggling to regain her composure she played with the sea glass pendant she wore around her neck. “Why should I?” she asked.

Moving from where he leaned against the porch, Demitri walked toward her. “What does the sun have to lose from lending its light to the moon?”

“What does the moon stand to gain from the light it receives?”She retorted.

Demitri now stood barely inches from her, his nearness making it hard to think. Leaning toward her, he whispered in her ear, “The closeness of the sun makes the moon shine all the brighter. Meet me at the south end of the beach at dusk.” Without another word, Demitri pulled away and left.

Solaris stood there for a moment, dazed, shivers still running down her spine. “What just happened?” she thought. “Did I just flirt with Demitri?” as she turned and entered the house, Citrus came running down the stairs.

“So what happened?” she asked excitedly.

Citrus was Solaris’ best friend and the biggest busy body in all of Carmela.

 Heading for the kitchen, Solaris turned and said, “That is none of your concern.

”Citrus followed Solaris into the kitchen and fluttered over to her favorite orange bar stool, being careful not to crush her monarch like wings. Her big black eyes contrasted nicely with her mocha colored skin and the earthy brown dress she was wearing. Her hair was cut short and spiky and changed color according to what she was wearing or what mood she was in. Today it was black with orangey-yellow highlights.

“Oh come on.” She pleaded “At least give me a hint.”

“Not a chance.” Solaris replied “Everyone knows that you are the biggest gossip in Carmela.” Citrus opened her mouth to reply but she was cut off by Solaris “Don’t answer that.” Then walking over to the cupboard, she pulled out her water bottle and filled it from the central living spring in the house. Before heading back upstairs she said with a wink, “Don’t wait up.”

Solaris shut her bedroom door behind her and had only one thing on her mind. “If he wanted to play a game of cat and mouse, well, he picked the wrong kitty to play with.” She thought. “Now what to wear?” she said to herself.

An hour later, Solaris was walking on the beach, her forest green dress just hitting her knees and her hair blowing slightly around her face. “Maybe I should just take a chance with him and see what happens.” she thought. The waves were barely coming over her feet as she walked to where Demitri stood. He was beautiful. He had on dark slacks, rolled up to his knees and an unbuttoned, white linen shirt. She loved the way the moon shone on his body, making her breath catch in her chest. She walked out into the waves where he stood.

“Your dress,” he said turning to face her. “It’s getting wet.”

“It’ll dry.” Solaris replied with a shrug.

Holding out his hand he asked, “Are you hungry?”

 “A little.” She said walking off, leaving him among the waves. Demitri just stood there watching her, he was transfixed with her. Coming out of his reverie he followed her to the shore and unrolled his pants. As Solaris began to walk away, Demitri reached out and pulled her to him.

 “What are you doing?” she asked.

“Shhhh.” He said placing a finger on her lips. Standing there with her body crushed against his, staring into her eyes; he wanted nothing more than to kiss her right then and there. Lowering his mouth to hers, he felt her arms wind around his neck. As Demitri kissed her, he was surprised at the ferocity with which she kissed him back. With a sudden roll of thunder and a crash of lightning the skies opened up to a torrential downpour. Breaking apart, they looked at each other for a moment and then began to laugh.

“So what are we going to do now?” Solaris said loudly over the storm.

“Well,” Demitri replied “we could go dry off and have dinner somewhere else, if you want.”

“Where did you have in mind?” She asked.

“My house is not far from here.” he said.

            “That's much better.” Solaris said with a sigh as she came out of the restroom. Her dress had dried and she was drying her hair with a towel. She looked around and saw a table set for two. White candles lit the room as music played softly in the background. The fire in the grate made the room cozy, its dancing light inviting her to sit and enjoy its playful warmth.

             “Dinner is served.” Said Demitri, making his way over to the table and setting down two plates of what looked like exquisite food.

            “You can cook?” Solaris asked astonished.

            “Yes.” He replied, blushing slightly. “It’s my hobby. Very seldom am I able to cook extravagant food for others, so please forgive me if this seems a bit much.”

             “Oh no not at all.” She said hurriedly. “I'm rather impressed. There aren’t that many men who know how to cook, let alone enjoy it.”

It was a moonless night about a week later, as Citrus made her was over to the flat Demitri stayed in when he was not at the court. Knock, knock, knock.

“Who is it?” Demitri called.

 “Citrus Moore.” She replied. “I am a humble servant to the Prince and I have news of a traitor.” There was a brief pause before the door was swiftly opened and she was ushered inside. Shutting the door behind her, Demitri led her to his study. Walking around to the other side of his massive Coa wood desk, he motioned for Citrus to sit.

After making herself comfortable he said, “Speak.”

“My Lord,” she began.

 He raised his hand for her to stop, “Please, call me Demitri.” He said.

 “Yes my Lord. I mean, Demitri.” Citrus mumbled as she fluttered her monarch like wings.

 “Please, continue.”

“I have reason to believe that Solaris is in love with and in constant contact with a mortal called Derrick.”

 “How can you prove this?” Demitri asked. “That is a very serious accusation.”

 Pulling a wallet and t-shirt from the depths of her cloak, Citrus set them on the desk and said, “I found this in her room.”

Demitri picked up the wallet and pulled out the ID inside, which read;

Derrick John Wiles

Age: 21

Eyes: Blue

Hair: Black

Height: 5’ 10”

Demitri paled as he recognized the person in the picture.

 ”No,”

“My Lord,” Citrus said in a concerned whisper. “Is something wrong?”

“This can’t be.” He said.

 “What is it my Lord?”

“This, this man is my twin brother.” This news was followed with a stunned silence.

Citrus opened her mouth to speak but before she could even utter a sound, Demitri said sternly “Go.” He looked up “Go. Speak to no one of this.”

Standing up and moving toward the door, Citrus bowed her head and whispered, “As you wish my Lord.” This time he did not correct her.

On her walk home, Citrus thought about what had happened at Demitris’. He was in love with Solaris and would never look at her that way, she knew that.

 “Well if I can’t have Demitri then I’ll go for the next best thing,” She thought to herself as a truly wicked smile formed on her lips, “His twin.” Citrus had her mind made up and a plan thought out. She would steal Derrick from Solaris. To do this she would first have to find out the next time Solaris and Derrick planned to meet, then she would make sure that Solaris would be unable to attend the rendezvous, after doing that she would need to glamour herself so that she looked like Solaris, and finally she and Derrick would elope to the mortal realm together. If she went through with this plan, Citrus knew that she would be hunted down for breaking the most sacred of all Fae laws. Was it worth it? She wondered as she walked up the path to the front door.

Citrus paused to compose herself before entering the house.

“Solaris! I'm home.” She called.

 “Up here.” Citrus followed the sound of Solaris’ voice up to the third floor. That part of the house was exclusively for Solaris. It was her studio. She painted, drew, and photographed like she was mortal; something very strange for a Fae. Solaris had her camera on a tripod, set up in front of the wall of glass that faced the outside of the house. The cameras flash was lost in a flash of lightning that streaked across the sky.

 “Got it!” Solaris exclaimed excitedly.

 “What are you doing?” Citrus asked, coming closer.

Solaris turned around and said, “I'm taking pictures of the lightening.”

 “Why?”

“It’s just so beautiful.” Solaris replied in an enraptured voice.

“Well have fun and don’t stay up too late.” Citrus said with a yawn. “As for me, I'm going to bed.”

“Yeah, ok.” Solaris replied absentmindedly.

Solaris didn’t actually love Derrick. She cared about him yes, but love? No. Love was completely out of the question. Solaris never allowed herself to really and truly care for someone to the point of love. The last person she had allowed into her heart had broken it. She loved him so deeply that when the relationship ended, it tore her apart. From that day on she vowed to never let anyone get to close, for fear of being hurt again. She sometimes wondered if she would ever love again.

Solaris and Derrick were supposed to meet at a record store in the mortal realm called The Dust Box.

 As she was getting ready, she began to feel sleepy. “I probably stayed up too late.” She thought to herself. Solaris went and sat on her bed to finish getting ready and promptly fell asleep. A moment later, someone identical to the sleeping Solaris walked through the bedroom door.

“Sorry Solaris.” Said Citrus, coming toward the bed. “But you have something I want.” And with that she went to go meet up with Derrick.

“Ow. My head.” Solaris sat up and put her head in her hands. “What happened? Oh my gosh! Derrick!” she groaned. “Oh well. I’ll get in touch with him later.”

Getting up as she rubbed her temples, Solaris went in search of Nectar; the Fae equivalent to Tylenol. She was on her way back up stairs when there was a sharp knock on the front door. “What now?” she grumbled as she walked. Solaris opened the door to find Demitri standing there looking very serious and somber. “Demitri!” she said with a gasp. Then noticing the look on his face she said, “What happened?”

“May I come in?” he asked.

“Yes, of course.” She said, motioning him inside.

Demitri paced back and forth in the common room as Solaris sat on an oversized sapphire blue pillow on the floor.

Looking up from his pacing he said, “I am not sure how to say this but I will try.”  Solaris nodded. “Your friend Citrus, she has run off to the mortal realm with my twin brother, Nikkoli.”

“Ok, but what does this have to do with me?” she asked.

Demitri took a deep breath before saying, “I believe you know Nikkoli as Derrick.” Solaris was stunned. “Let me explain.” He said as he sat down next to her. “My brother and I were separated at birth. He was taken to the mortal realm and raised as a mortal child. He knows nothing of me or his royal heritage. I don’t doubt that it was only when you started bring him to our realm did he know about its existence. Citrus came to me the other night and told me she suspected something between you and Derrick, but she did not know he was my twin brother until I foolishly said something.” By this time Solaris was fuming with anger. How could Citrus do this to her? Weren’t they supposed to be best friends? Suddenly a thought struck her.

“Citrus has been in love with you for as long as I can remember, but she knew you would never look at her that way. So when she found you had a twin brother she jumped at the chance to go for the next best thing.”

 “Did you love Nikkoli?” Demitri asked.

“No.” she replied simply.

“You know what we have to do, don’t you?” Solaris looked down at the floor and said, “Yes I do.”

 “I am very sorry that we have to do this.” Said Demitri.

 “No don’t be!” she replied angrily. “Just promise me that I will get to be the one to slit Citrus’ throat!”

 “Done.” He said with a smile.

Demitri and Solaris spent the next day preparing for their “hunting trip” in the mortal realm which was to begin early the next morning. They sought the assistance of renowned seers and sprites; whose silence could be bought for a price, to help them locate Citrus and “Derrick” in the vast expanse of the other realm. Material weapons would not be needed, magick would suffice. But on the off chance that magick was not enough, Solaris had a supply of both Human and Fae weapons at the ready. Demitri lay on an oversized midnight blue pillow on the floor of the lounge room in Solaris’ house. He had decided to stay the night at Solaris’ house so that departure would be easier. Solaris was going over everything they had packed for the eighth time. Seeing her so determined and focused made him love her even more.

“I have to wait until we have accomplished our goal.” He thought to himself “I need to keep my mind focused on what we have to do and off of Solaris, difficult though it may be.”

“Alright,” said Solaris “I think we have everything.”

“Then I suggest we get some sleep.” Demitri replied.

“Good idea.” Solaris said with a yawn.

“Goodnight Solaris.”

 “Goodnight Demitri.”

Solaris and Demitri rose before dawn and headed for the closest portal that led to the mortal realm. The only thing they knew was that Citrus and Nikkoli were somewhere in a city called Miami and oddly enough the portal they were headed for, led directly there. The moment Solaris stepped through the portal; which had been camouflaged to look like a waterfall; she was met with a truly jaw dropping sight. The sun was just setting and it made the water and the beach look heavenly.

Demitri appeared beside her and said, “Come on, we have to go.” Tearing her eyes away from the sight before her, Solaris and Demitri hurried to see if they could find a room at one of the hotels for the night.

Next morning, Solaris woke up to find Demitri sitting in a chair watching her sleep. “What are doing?” she asked, rubbing her eyes as she sat up.

 “Watching you sleep.” He replied with a shrug of his shoulders.

 “Why?”

 “I wanted to.”

 Solaris got out of bed, stretched, and said “Come on, let’s see if we can scope things out.”

An hour later they were walking around downtown Miami trying to act as mortal as possible. Easier said than done, for Demitri anyway. Solaris was perfectly comfortable in the mortal realm. Yes people stopped to stare every now and then but it never seemed to phase her.

“Solaris.” Demitri hissed.

“What?” she replied. Demitri grabbed her arm and pulled her into an alley. “What are you doing?” she asked.

“Shhhh,” he said, pressing a finger to her lips. “They are here.”

Solaris stopped struggling. “Where?”

“Across the busy path, near the man selling those colorful glass spheres.” Looking across the street Solaris spotted them immediately. At once she was filled with blinding rage.

“Solaris?” It was Demitri.

“Sorry.” She said.

 “Come,” said Demitri. “We will follow them.”

As Demitri took her hand Solaris was struck with an idea.

 “Demitri? You wanna have a little fun before we kill them?”

He stopped walking. “Fun? What kind of fun?”

“You’ll see.” She replied mischievously.

Citrus and Derrick seemed to be heading for a bench on the board walk that over looked the beach. Demitri and Solaris would be on the beach below, in plain view of the traitors. Demitri and Solaris would kiss, Derrick would recognize Solaris, and Demitri would take away the glamour Citrus had put on thus showing her real self. Not only was this plan genius, it delivered the crushing blow that was needed.

 “Look, there they are.” Solaris said as they walked out onto the beach. She ran ahead to where the water met the shore.

“Are you sure you want to do this?” asked Demitri.

“They deserve to feel the pain and betrayal that I felt.” She replied.

“You know,” Demitri said as he pulled her into his arms “You don’t have to be so tough all the time.”

“I don’t know how not to be.” She mumbled. Demitri turned her head so that she was looking up at him.

“If you will let me, I can teach you.”

“How?” she whispered.

“Let yourself feel.” He said before bringing his lips to hers. Solaris did just that; she allowed all the emotion bottled up inside to come out. Tears welled up in her eyes and ran down her face as she kissed Demitri. She no longer hated him, in fact she loved him.

The moment they broke apart Demitri snapped his fingers, making Citrus’ glamour disappear. They looked up to where Derrick and Citrus were standing to see the look of horror on their faces.

“So what now?” asked Demitri.

“I'm not sure,” Solaris replied “But we really should get this over with.”

“As you wish.”

"Citrus Moore and Nikkoli Hector Von Devinich, Prince of Fae.” Shouted Solaris. “I challenge you to a battle, as punishment for your traitorous deeds.” The air in front of Solaris and Demitri shimmered as Citrus and Derrick appeared.

“What is to be taken as payment?” Citrus asked.

 “Your lives will me payment enough.” Solaris replied coldly.

 “Solaris, what's going on?” asked Derrick.

Citrus began chanting a spell in the old Fae tongue, Larcin, while Derrick stood next to her looking absolutely terrified.

“Enough of this.” Solaris said as she pulled out a throwing knife and launched it at Citrus. It struck Citrus square in the stomach, bringing her to her knees.

“No!”Derrick cried.

“Demitri, please take care of your brother.” Solaris said.

As Demitri walked toward Derrick, Solaris knelt by Citrus. “I will force you to watch him die. Then I will kill you.” She turned Citrus’ head so she could see Derrick just as Demitri shoved a knife in his naval and pulled it up to his throat. A sob escaped Citrus as Derricks’ body fell to ground. “How does it feel Citrus?”

“You’re a monster.”

“Goodbye Citrus.” And with that Solaris cut Citrus’ throat.

“You did well.” She said to Demitri as he walked over to where she stood.

 “Thank you.” He replied.

 There was a small pause before Solaris said, “We should probably clean up our mess.”

“That would be a good idea.” He said with a chuckle. With a wave of his hand, Demitri erased any evidence that a battle had taken place.

 Looking over at Solaris he said, “Let’s go back home to Carmela.”

“Yeah, let’s.” she said.

Once they were back home things were a little different. Solaris now lived alone and she had finally embraced her feelings and emotions. Demitri moved in with her, immediately becoming her newest subject and model for her photography. No one asked about what had happened to Citrus simply because no one missed her or they never noticed she was gone. People did notice however, the romance that had sparked between Solaris and Demitri. They were like the sun and the moon, as different as night and day. But at the same time they were perfect for each other, like it was meant to be. Anyone who looked at them knew instantly that they had something special, something normally only dreamed or read about. But that was just it, they were not your typical couple. They were a match made in heaven. 

Death of a Butterfly (written after the death of my godbrother, Robert)

I stand in the darkness

A great abyss at my feet

Wind blowing me from behind.

Darkness, Despair.

My tears fall into the abyss

And break like glass in its depths.

My heart beats heavy and sluggish in my chest.

Will it find a fire within and blaze back to life

or

Will it become bruised and broken, left to wither and die?

I fall into the abyss

Giving myself over, to my grief.

Some say that you must grieve properly 

In order to be able to move on. 

I may simply choose to remain in the dark with my grief.

It keeps me company so that I dont have to go to bed alone.

Deny as I might, the proof is there in the morning when I wake.

A damp pillow case stained with mascara

Testament to another nights tears.