tower

brick
by brick
by brick
by brick

I built it     I walled it away.
The wall gave way to tower
high and strong
devoid of window and door
inside

my heart.

Safe from all who would do it harm
safe from anyone
even myself

I thought it impenetrable
even to myself
for I was the grand mason
the architect of its design

little by little
then all at once
it was gone
not a stone to be seen

my heart soared into the sunlight
filled with light and warmth
bathed in a golden light

you got in
you broke it down
you let it out

afraid I am not

When

Why is life so scary at times? 

When did I become someone who was afraid of being alone? 

I look at myself and I don't recognize the person

I spent so much time

energy 

crafting bit by bit

allowing pain and fear to help shape me

taking those moments 

getting to the heart of myself

the root of who I am

who I want to be

making myself strong

determined

When did I settle for letting someone else

someone else determine my happiness?

I was in charge of that.

I bought the flowers.

I played the music. 

I cooked the food. 

I slept on the nice sheets.

I need to get back to that

not exactly that.

but some 

newer

better version 

of that.

Don't speak.

Alone in a crowd.

Disconnected from the family around me.

Closed off.

Curled up. 

Smile and they won't know something's wrong.

Afraid.

Confused. 

Self doubt.

Unsure.

Would it matter if I wasn't here?

Did they miss me?

Are my contributions enough?

Am I enough?

A war inside me.

Speak.

Don't speak.

Tell them.

You're problems aren't as big as some of theirs. Yours don't matter.

Don't share.

Don't draw attention. 

Don't speak.

Sit quietly.

Listen.

Another war begins.

A war in my mind.

In my heart.

Focus on one.

But which is more important?

Don't look. It's written on your face.

Don't speak. 

It Occurs To Me I Am The Creative/Destructive Goddess Coatlicue a poem by Sandra Cisneros

I deserve stones.

Better leave me the hell alone.

I am besieged.

I cannot feed you. 

You may not souvenir my bones,

knock on my door, camp, come in,

telephone, take my Polaroid. I'm paranoid,

I tell you. Lárguense. Scram.

Go home.

I am anomaly. Rare she who

cant stand kinds and can't stand you.

No excellent Cordelia cordiality have I.

No coffee served in tidy cups.

No groceries in the house.

I sleep to excess,

smoke cigars,

drink. Am at my best

wandering undressed,

my fingernails dirty,

my hair a mess.

Terribly

sorry, Madame isn't 

feeling well today.

Must

Greta Garbo.

Pull an Emily D.

Roil like Jean Rhys.

Abiquiu myself. 

Throw a Maria Callas. 

Shut myself like a shoe. 

Stand back. Christ

almighty. I'm warning. 

Do not. Keep

out. Beware. 

Help! Honey,

this means 

you.

3/9

I feel like I am drifting

Like nothing I do is effective

Like everything is slipping 

                                  through 

                                                 my 

                                                         fingers

through the           cracks

I feel like the rug has been pulled

out from under me

Everything is up in the air

Its all I can do to catch it all

To keep it all from smashing to the ground

Times like this

I shut down

lock down

turn down

Let it all out

Take the bolt off the emotional door

Open the flood gates

Blow the dam

[title]

The constant                brush 

of an elbow 

or a shoulder 

or a hand.

The steady              pull 

drawing together

The words of a song 

paint a picture before my eyes 

of my hearts most precious desire 

Yes

No

Yes

No

Yes...

A constant prayer on my lips

Encouraged to come clean 

         spill 

            the 

              beans

No. 

What will be           Will be

What will out

Come what may

Midwinter day dream

Just in case you were wondering,

I had a day dream today.

I was walking through a meadow of wild flowers.

They seemed to go on forever.

A vivid sea of yellow, white, red, orange, blue, and purple.

The earth soft and warm on my bare feet.

I saw a grove of oak and aspen. 

A slight breeze caused the branches to gently sway.

The sunlight dappled the ground beneath them.

A creek babbled along happily as it fed a small pool.

Sunlight glimmered on the water and my gaze fell upon a figure laying at the edge of the pool.

Precious Stranger

I don't know who you are

I want you to make the world fall away.

I want that big deep love.

I want that wild country love.

That sophisticated passionate city love.

The duality within me is present in another. 

I want the world to stand still.

I want your touch to make my heart skip a beat.

I want you to wrap me in your arms.

I want you to kiss me like I am the last drop of water on earth. 

I want all of you, precious stranger.

Lazy Thursday

Sitting in the middle of a picnic table under the umbrella as the rain comes down. 

The soft pitter patter as it hits the pavement.

The low din of voices on the back patio. The smell of delicious food wafting through the air. 

Happy and contented with this moment.

It is a perfect moment. 

There were many of those today. 

The day started off with a perfect moment.

Strong arms wrapped around me. The contented breathing in the dark. Warm skin head to toe. 

When you outgrow friendships

This isn't my normal poetic writing, this is more of a stream of consciousness. A realization of needed change. 

After this last heartbreak, but it wasn't actually heartbreak it was more a gross crushing disappointment, I told myself no more dating. 

Strange thing, I actually meant it. No more dating, I'm actually ready to settle down. I have never meant anything more in my life. 

If this is all that dating has to offer, I'm so out. Through this, I've also begun to reevaluate my friendships with others. To look at them and see if they bring any real value to my life. If they are healthy and have the ability to grow with me, or if they will try and bring me down. 

I have lost three friends through this, two were friends and the other was both lover and friend. I am not sad about it, I am practical in my realization that they needed to end for me to grow. They had already begun to hinder me and would only further obstruct my growth. Much as beautiful weeds do to healthy plants that have a purpose. You must uproot the bad growth and trim things back so other things may grow. I am on the cusp of a growth spurt and these next few months are the most crucial. It is here and now that I will lay the groundwork, the foundation upon which my future will be built. I cannot afford to surround myself with those who will not support me nor will they help build me up at this juncture. 

Syncopation

In a room full of musicians 

Folk rhythms softly caress the soul

Coaxing things from the deep recesses 

Things we long to hide

Things we are afraid to admit 

To others 

To ourselves

Arousing the mind 

Assuaging old and new pain alike

Songs of love 

Loss

Betrayal

New places

People

Thoughts

Frustrations 

Anger 

Sorrow

Understanding 

Forgiveness 

Rebirth

Tomorrow, today, yesterday 

The tap tap tap of a foot 

The pat pat pat pat of a hand

Falling in love with a guitar and a voice 

Dulcet tones drifting through an open window 

Out into a hot summer night 

Voices on the breeze raised in song 

Some better than others

But still artists all

Together sharing our crafts

Six musicians and one writer

Drawing inspiration from each other 

Deep country 

Deep South 

Warm red wine and a tepid breeze

Passing three guitars around the circle 

Voices that astound and arouse

The simplicity of artists

The complexity of the art 

 

Transformation

I feel like a fledgling...

Out of the nest but without the tools to fly very well. 

"She's sick of dreams that never take flight" 

When?

WHEN!?

I want nothing more than to just spread my wings and fly, but I can't.

I don't know how yet. 

For the first time, my life's dream is finally within reach.

My fingertips brush up against it.

Longing to take it in my hands and grasp it. 

To hold it high overhead and shout, "I did it! Look at what I've made of myself! Look at all I've accomplished! I have arrived."

When will my wings be ready?

How long must I wait?

Must I molt my warm feathers I had as a chick...

Must I transform into someone new...

I want it so badly, I would do almost anything to have it. 

In my life, I have never wanted anything more. 

Not love.

Not family. 

Not friends.

Just this. This one thing. 

Three simple letters...

PhD

I am Queen

I am madness, sanity.
I am hell, paradise.
I am more than the candy coated shell.
The long golden locks and big green eyes.
I am a stack of books.
Coffee stains.
Drops of Malbec.
Tolkien.
Hemingway.
Fitzgerald.
Campbell.
Heaney.
Shakespeare.
Rowling.
Hamilton.
Varied and cultured.
Whimsical, Satirical.
I am not a woman you walk away from.
I am Queen, I will destroy them.

Girls. Our Constant Struggle

I couldn't have said it better myself.

Freedom

The year started just like any other.
No special event marked it.
But a feeling crept upon me.
I was back to being myself.
One day I woke up and I was complete.
I no longer thought about my heartbreak.
I no longer replayed each excruciating moment in my mind.
I was content to be myself and go live my life for myself.
I felt free to tenaciously go after my dreams, forsaking the things I thought I needed.
Throwing myself into a world of literature and learning.
Waking up every morning, loving every aspect of my life.
This moment is one that I have long awaited.
Free to be me.
Back to me.
Back to basics.

End of the day

As I gathered my things and turned off the lights,
I looked back at my office and felt a sense of calm.
A realization that I was building a life for myself.
This may not have been the path I originally set out to be on,
But it was the one laid before me.
I love my life and where it is headed.

Little did I know that a month or so later I would be violently thrust from that path only to find myself on a drastically different and more fulfilling one.

Beauty

"To ask women to become unnaturally thin is to ask them to relinquish their sexuality."
-Naomi Wolf

I am proud to be a woman.
I am proud to be 5' 2 3/4''
140lbs
a size 6 or 8, a medium/large
I love cheeseburgers and french fries, Mexican food, Italian food, pizza, chili cheese fries, mayonnaise, butter, and that's just the tip of the food iceberg
I am a woman and I love myself.
I love every inch of my body, including my muffin top.
I am strong.
My so called "thunder thighs" are a testament to this.
As are my callused feet.
I hate running but love to lift weights.
I do not have the size 2 body of a girl
I have the strong supple body of a woman.
I own my sexuality and what it means to be the woman I am.

Reflection in the waters of life

Sitting here watching my preschoolers nap, I think back on how far I've come in four short weeks. 

I love my life and where it's headed. I'm finally over my ex. School is about to start . And I love my job. I am so happy with my life me where it's going. 

Most importantly though, I am so happy with myself, how far I've come and my outlook on life in light of all this. I feel that in my trying to start over, I have found myself again. I have reconnected with parts of myself that we're buried. I glow with my love and exuberance for life. I have missed that part of myself. I've missed feeling all these wonderful things. 

It just takes time

I feel like I felt when I first moved to Austin.
Lonely.
Cooped up in my head waiting to talk to someone.
It's just me. Well, me and Max, my cat.
It's easier to stay busy now but I'm still lonely.
I miss home. I miss my family.
Max is good company :) he makes me feel not so lonely.
It's going to take some time for me to be ok with my own company again, but I know one day I'll get there.
It's just going to take time.

The end.

I stand here and watch the blue smoke curling in the air
I am filled with immense sadness but I am not broken
I am in a place between
I cannot be happy but I no longer want to be sad
Given time this too shall pass
Given time I will be ok